Before I go on to talk about something completely different, which I assure you I do, let me first review this pub. This is a really good pub – loads of ales, fire inside, bar and beer garden outside, warm, cosy and friendly. Laughter rolls round inside the perversely narrow yet somehow spacious earthy bar. There’s a jukebox claiming to have every song released since the early 1990s on it, and it’s the only pub in Stamford with a quiz machine. Now, on with the waffle…

Leaning on the bar of the Green Man three pints into a Friday night, pretentiously pondering the multiple guest ales on offer, I allowed my eyes to drift up to the hanging cardboard bar snack options slowly revealing the scantily clad temptresses beneath – an enticing bit of shoulder here, and lovely elbow there. Mmm… my pulse raced! Back to the snacks – concentrate! The missus is leaning on the quiz machine and if she catches me eyeing up some glamour models’ ears again she’ll flip!

Nuts; check. Fries both scampi and bacon; of course. Mini Cheddars; nice choice. Screwdrivers; yup!

What’s that now…!?

“Evening Terry… the usual is it?”

“Aye, ta Jim… two pints of best, two cheese and onion and a Philips if you’ve got one.”

“Here you go Terry, let me just top that one up for you. Mmm… looks like we’re out of Philips’. Can do you a flat-head if that’s any good?”

“I’ll leave it ta, just stick with me cheese and onion,” so went the conversation that never happened.

This got me to thinking… Imagine a cocktail bar that actually sold not drinks, but the actual things that the drinks were named.

White Russian – a vodka-based large well-built gentleman with strong hints of communism and notes of borscht, all served on his legs to help you get him home

Bloody Mary – order one of our various Mary’s – Mary Berry, Mary Mary Quite Contrary or Mary Queen of Scots – drizzled in a blood of your choice

Cosmopolitan – Not thirsty eh? No problem, we’ll get you a magazine

Because or in spite of the fact that it runs a side line in DIY equipment, the Green Man is a quality pub. It also does ‘Friday Pieday’ (I think there is a play on words here of ‘payday’ but am not sure?) which is pie and a pint for £5.50; the lamb and chorizo on offer looks delicious (although you pay extra for a side order of rawl-plugs).